- "Say cheese!" x 429 -

I GOT A BRAND NEW SUUUUPER AWESOME DSLR CAMERA FOR MY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!

[Yeah, that same one I was supposed to get for Christmas. And when it didn't show up under the tree on Christmas morning, Brian said it must've a) fallen out of Santa's sleigh or b) maybe it was just such an intricate piece of technology that the elves didn't know how to craft it -- which were the only two rational explanations I could ever finally settle for considering I had been SUCH A GOOD GIRL all year long. But anyway. That episode occurred over three months ago and it's not like I'm still bitter or anything. Pouty pout pouting no more.] 

So...

"Say cheese!" 
[First picture ever.]

It takes a lot of pics in a really little amount of time which is just GREAT!! A four-second glimpse into the multiple-personalitied life of Brian Dean Fleming:

After the fun of this paparazzi photoshoot in the kitchen [quickly] wore off I easily and enchantingly conned Brian into taking me to the park because...I mean, he would obviously still be posing for a plethora of photos but at least there would be better backgrounds. And light. Mostly more light. ;)

Skipping off to Starbucks then the park then...

"Do I really have to get out of the car?" 

Yep, so buck it up, buttercup. Jay kay, those words would never come out of my saint-of-a-husband's mouth because his numero uno hobby es pampering/pleasing the princess.

[And finally, the more than three month awaited]

PHOTOSHOOT COMMENCES:

We're working on our modeling poses, but we realized for now our back sides are our best sides...

Zomggg, taking pics is SO FUNNN. Wish the world was more green and less brown, but.....we'll get there soonish.

"Double-yew tee eff, babe?" Stop stalking me.

70 degree weather and being with my hubby all day and Starbucks and spring on the horizon and a new camera and playing at the park and ALL THE THINGS I LOVE. And and and and. Me like my bertday.

At the end of the park date, we had two whole settings mastered: auto and.........AUTO. We plan on getting some lessons from Brian's friend who teaches camera physics and maybe also hitting up some of the Creve Coeur Camera classes downtown! Or if you have some pretty children/any other form of live moving subject victims that I could practice on, I would be ever so grateful. ;) 

I know you're not sad that this pointless post plastered with 429 pointless photos is coming to a close, but be assured that MORE [like multiple more - but actually maybe only one more now that I think about it] boisterous birthday brag posts will be coming soon to a computer near you! I'm sure I will soon be nostalgic to revel in my come-and-gone birthday wonderfulness because.....today I woke up to Brian trying to flick a booger at my face SO.....back to reality. 

- Momma needs a damn MARG -

Go right ahead and judge judge judge me from head to toe, but THIS is how babies are made in the Fleming abode. [I mean, clearly not the only factor in the whole process, but it def gets the ball rollin' and......well then the rest is history.]  

Could REALLY go for another one of these sinful slushies right now minus the small fact that I gave up alcohol for "Lent"...

...which at the time I made that ever-so-prudent decision it was really honestly actually only 5% for Jesus and 95.999999% for the zygote and 0.000001% for a lame cover-up/lie to my never-been-dry-a-day-in-their-lives friends. #priorities [Hold up, does that equal 101%...? Never was good at basic math anyway.] Although now we all know how that whole pregnancy deal panned out...SO. 

5% of my heart's desires still left to fulfill, which means owning my sacrifice and vowing not to cave. Even on my damn birthday.

Cheers to the resurrection of Jesus [and the resurrection of frozen margs] in t-30 days... But who's counting anyway? ;) 

- Too tired of typing to think of a clever title for this one so I guess you'll just have to dive in... -

...but dive in wisely because...

Disclaimer: If you're not in the mood to be happy-->sad-->sad-->happy-->sad-->questioning-your-own-emotional-health then it may or may not be a perfect time to dismiss yourself from this post ummm...rightaboutnow.

I have a no-good very-bad guilty history of Lenten lethargy.  I always start off on Ash Wednesday with a big bang and stay strong for a while, but eventually the excitement of Easter comes and...and I don't know, I guess it's hard to "suffer" and be somnolent and sacrificial and sad when there is so much light at the end of the tunnel. 

"Remember that you are dust, and to dust you shall return..."

Yeah yeah, I'm remembering.  Although suffer-ance and somnolence and sacrificial-ness and sadness were ESPECIALLY hard on the horizon of this Lent, because, well... 

How can you really suffer and feel the pain of sacrifice when a little miracle slash living breath of God is gestating away on your insides? :) 

You can't.

Cloud nine: occupied!

But like good little Catholic doobies, we still wanted to say "yes" to the season of Lent.  As said in one of my previous posts, this was one of our goals:  "Pray the rosary more often.  And pray it with Brian.  Prayer is a vulnerable thing, and an increase in vulnerability means a deepening in love.  One of the vows we made on the altar was to accept children willfully from God and then raise them responsibly in the Church, so I think it's really important that we can share the fundamentals of our faith together before we open the chapter of making/raising childrensss..." 

So we prayed the rosary, and mostly/always we offered it up for our brand new little blob that was happily gestating away. 

I mean, we thought it was happily gestating away. [Because who wouldn't be loving life in the uterus?]

But maybe not so much.

Because this Monday...

A shocking turn of events, and...

Miscarriage.  

Holy cow, it's a mean bullet to bite and a nasty spoonful to swallow.

[Yeah, mmmhm.  How was that for an emotional roller coaster?  Welcome to my lyfeee as of lately.]

I spent the entire day wadded up on the couch crying.  Like out of control UGLY sobbing.  And Brian has never ever seen me shed a tear in the 4-ish years we've known each other, so I'm pretty sure he wished he could've either a) melted down into the hardwood floor or b) vanished instantly underneath some sort of wizardly invisibility cloak. It was the craziest everrr hormone-raged pity party for two, so be so so glad you weren't invited.  Or even re-incarnated as the fly on the wall who wasn't invited either but was still watching, because you probably would've wanted to suicide your second life after witnessing an episode like that. [I should've taken a picture of the mound of snot-soaked Kleenexes that accumulated on the floor because...well that would just be an emphatic little picturesque illustration to add here.  But......some dignity saved.]

ANYWAY...

Miraculously I had the chance to wake up and try again...

And the next day got a little better...

And the next day after that was even better...

And here I am today, well...experiencing a little diarrhea of the mouth and somehow ready to be a storyteller/scribe of our testimony.  I think I know I'm on my feet right now because of severalllll saintly fam members/friends who refused to let me drown in my own tears, but namely a few people/patrons who literally pulled at my heartstrings during the worst hours of my life:

-- Job.  Maybe just a random suffering servant from the land of Uz who lived thousands of years ago, but also someone fully alive and surviving/thriving in my heart on the daily.  Who exactly is he?  A wealthy man who started out with 7 sons, 3 daughters, and thousands of animals and was suddenly stripped of everything.  His oxen and herdsman were put to the sword, lightening electrocuted his sheep and their shepherds, and his camels and their tenders were killed.  His children were killed, his house collapsed, and he was covered from head to toe in blistering boils.  He tore his cloak and cut off his hair, yet still he cast himself prostrate on the ground and praised the name of God.  "...The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord...we accept good things from God; should we not accept evil?..."  Bing bam boom. Even in all of his profound sufferings, Job never turned his heart or face from God.  Never ever ever.  [Side note that is unrelated to this post but I cannot go on without a mention: I met the 21st century version of Job several years ago in nursing school and I have never forgotten one minute detail of that encounter.  One of the most blessed and gutwrenching memories of my life to date and holy moly...profoundness in the flesh right there that will be engrained in my memory until the day I die and probably even longer.]

Job taught me: Hit me with Your best shot; I will always keep my face turned towards You...

-- Mary.  The sweet mother of Jesus whose heart was pierced as she witnessed the death of her own Son. I shalt not even get started on this one because the list of reasons I love and adore her will go on and on and on times infinity, but her example as a daughter of Christ and mother of God has always mystified me.  And in those horrible moments of miscarraige [but only in between sobs when I occasionally inhaled enough oxygen for a tiny brainwave to form] I never stopped thinking of Mary: "Behold, I am the handmaiden of the Lord; let it be done to me according to Your word." Palms up, heart open, face smiling.  Bravery and trust and surrender and love and obedience all wrapped into the perfection of her answer. She da bomb. Me need to be like her.

Mary taught me: Not my will, but Yours. And all in Your timing...

-- A really sweet friend who probably doesn't read this blog, but still -- I refuse to sell her out slash throw her under the bus. When we first decided to jump on the baby-making bandwagon and shouted a big loud AMEN! to being procreaters and co-Creators, I honestly wholeheartedly really did think that we were in control of all of this and God would just smile down sweetly and lovingly comply with our VERY clever and perfectly timed-out plan. I mean, why wouldn't He?  We are NFP-ers [another blog for another time -- haven't quite found the words to explain that method of madness yet] and our timing was dead on and this was just the perfect month to add a new piece to the puzzle of our life. It was purely biological [sperm meets egg, sperm likes egg, sperm joins egg] and a little bit spiritual [as in I knew God would be sooo happy that we were agreeing to be fruitful and multiply!].  So anyway, this friend [who may or may not've also been trying to get pregnant -- but not with her first] was always reminding me that it's God's game and He'll decide when the timing is right and blah blah blah and I always just smiled and nodded and thought yepppp.  But eventually she did get into my head, and man oh man was she sooo right.  Being able to let go of this tiny little tragedy and knowing how to make peace with His plans has made the coping a million times easier.  Maybe actually like a trillion. So I owe her.  Big time.  Oh, and today she sent me this message, which was probably the greatest note that I ever could've read in this moment: [In talking about one of her miscarriages] "The baby knew nothing but love. It was conceived in love and was loved the whole time it was present in me.  Then it went back to the ultimate home of love.  While I would have loved to have known more of and held that little baby, earth comes with much sadness, pain, and sin.  Our baby never knew that, just love.  I kind of think perhaps God had a spirit that just needed to know that love, and its purpose was fulfilled in its super short time here."  

A really sweet friend taught me: My plans/timing are not God's plans/timing. Father, Son, Holy Spirit, and amennnn! 

[Wow, are you still reading? I definitely understand if you've nodded off a few times because...holy wordiness.]

SO...where was I?  Oh.

Today, we're of course still semi-sad, but we're also on our knees in thanksgiving.  On our knees knowing that He gives and He takes away.  On our knees knowing that we are handmaidens [and also the masculine form of that?] of the Lord. On our knees knowing that, even when things don't make sense, His plan does. On our knees thankful for Job, Mary, and Sweet Friend. [And I mostly definitely mean "on our knees" in the figurative nature because I am comfily cozied on the couch with my feet up on the coffee table and Brian is in the recliner well, reclining. But you get the picture. It's the thought that counts.]  And one last thing before I release you from my tiny prison called a blog: here's today's little blippit from my "Pope Francis Daily Surprise" app...

Fitting, no? ;) 

I think it's juuuust about time to wrap this novel up, but can't do it without acknowledging that this year may not go down in the books as another of typical Lenten lethargy...

...So here's to this especially "symbolic" season: plunging down with our sweet Jesus for a brisk brush through hell...

...and also to the soon-approaching Easter:  rising again quickly and triumphantly to face the Easter cross. And rising in the joy of knowing that suffering and death have no grip on us, but that redemption and celebration and the fulfillment to come will always claim us. Already definitely cherishing the fact that we are so deeply loved and so worthy of hope and victory and new life!  

We are an Easter people, and Alleluia! is our song. Always and forever and ever. Come on, Easter!!!

And for now?  Today?  In this moment?  Basicalllllly, we are just putting one foot in front of the other and stepping forward slowly.  Spending some quality time with the Great Physician who knows how to heal our brokenness better than we know how to lay it at His feet.  Appreciating that He always plans for our future to be bigger than our past.  Observing how the journey of life will undoubtedly press on.  Knowing that the days ahead will unfold beautifully if Brian and I continue loving and being faithful to each other...

...and loving and being faithful to God...

...and someday when our little bit of love and faith intersects with His huge amount of loving faithfulness, big things will happen.

Or maybe just "little" things.

Like babies.

And lots of them. ;) 




*****

PS -- Congrats on making it to the end! Seriously... Kind of a big accomplishment and there's definitely something to be said about your attention span.

PSS [Or is it PPS?] -- We don't do well with the sympathy vote and have already had a significant enough pity party of our own, so no need for mushy gushy sad sorrowful phone calls pleaseeee! Foreal, I mean it! Picking up and moving on and don't want to revel in the bad and ugly, so don't you dare drag me backwards.  But prayers for peace [and future babies!] always accepted, OBVI. 

PSSS [PPPS?] -- We in this household are fast grievers and big supporters of the Big Guy's perfect plan, so don't feel obligated to waste too many prayers on us! Easter and new life are just around the corner and pretty soon everything gon' be juuust fine. ;)  

- St. Pat's Day -

Sum-It-Up Sunday

Party hardy with the Irish wife and in-laws is right at the top of my Croatian husband's "FUN FUN FUN LIST!" ...But really, it is.  We jumped a car to the parade in downtown St. Louis and enjoyed a day full of sunshine and all things green! 

Other week highlights: 

-- Nada. Another fun week of work sleep eat work sleep eat work sleep eat and baaaasically just going through the motions over and over and over...

- Bowling for KP's Birthday -

Sum-It-Up Sunday

Happy birthday, Katie P.!!! Partying in style [AKA cosmic bowling] with my favorite chicas!  

[De-ja-vu of her birthday party last year? ...Except you can see that we were a little younger and cooler and more-hip last year...AND she was Katie H. back then too...] ;) 

Other week highlights: 

-- Happy Ash Wednesday! 

-- Second to last week of The Bachelor....... The suspense is killing me!!!

- 5am name draw + saying "YES!" to Lenten musings -

So it's 5:58 in the marn-ing and here I am wide-eyed and bushy-tailed.

Sometimes at work when the census is low and it gets really slow, they put everyone's name in a hat and let a few lucky nurses leave before the dreaded zombie apocalypse/shift change that is 7:30am.  And usually people jump on the opportunity, because ... who wants to be awake at 8am when you can be home and snuggled in bed by 6am? ...Exactly. 

That magical name draw just happened in the wee hours of the morning and that lucky nurse was me me me and ... now here I sit with coffee jitters and a blinking cursor and a huge slice of apple pie. [Coffee jitters because I drank a cup riiiiight before that blessed name draw; darn the luck. A blinking cursor because I realized how lamesie-lamesauce my blog has become and how unoriginal and boring of a writer I am; working on improving this stat but obvi it will be in baby steps. Pie because technically today is still my FAT TUESDAY, and be assured this big-booty Judy would not miss one iota of a second of a day that celebrates and idolizes scarfing/inhaling the fattiest of fatty foods. #proudcatholicmoment]  Which brings me to the next brainwave...

Lent. 

40 days of prayer, fasting, and almsgiving ... and a season that totally snuck up on me.  It is designed to be such a reverent time of spiritual growth and surrender and repentance, but I juuuuust am a little shell-shocked that it's here knocking on my door ummm...TODAY.   For the first 5/8ths of my life, I definitely experienced a sacrificial Lent through the tradition of the Church.  And that's ok and normal and whatever, but it's not anything exceptional or above and beyond. Then one year at SLU, this really influential priest was talking about how [long story short!] giving things up was like saying "no" and doing something extra was like saying "yes!"  In all the years I said "no":  as soon as Easter came, I would immediately revert back into my old habits of eating chocolate ... drinking soda ... getting on Facebook ... or whatever I "gave up."  Actually, I would pretty much sit by the clock on Easter Eve and wait for it to tick midnight so I could binge scarf some chocolate or click onto Facebook or whatevs. Totally non-productive, and all it did was make me go a little bit insane for 40 days.  But in the few years since I've been saying "yes" and started doing something extra, I continued on with the new-formed habit post-Easter.  More prayer, more Mass, more reading, more being nice to people, more something. So see, it's good and positive and me likey.  [Nothing was "long story short" about that. Oopsie.] 

I've been thinking about this upcoming Lent for a few weeks and constantly mulling over how I could/should/would say "yes" this year.  Never quite got that clear-as-mud answer, but it's time to make a decision so I'm goin' with mah gut: 

• Re-read Catechism of the Catholic Church.  [And also Rediscover Catholicism, which is a classic fave!] I love these books and I love a reminder of "why we do what we do" -- in a dubbed down lay-Catholic form.  I have scrutinized these books from cover to cover several times and not once have they disappointed.  So re-reading?  Definitely do-able.
• Daily Mass.  I have done this once in the past ... 40 days in a row ... and that year was easily my favorite and most fruitful Lent.  BUT I'm scared to make that commitment this year considering 50% of my life is upside down or backwards and my day-sleeping habits are hideous and most of the time I can barely make it home after working 12-hour nights. AKA - I really don't think I could physically stay awake through Mass every day?   Maybe do-able but still questionable.......
• Pray the rosary more often.  And pray it with Brian.  Prayer is a vulnerable thing, and an increase in vulnerability means a deepening in love.  One of the vows we made on the altar was to accept children willfully from God and then raise them responsibly in the Church, so I think it's really important that we can share the fundamentals of our faith together before we open the chapter of making/raising childrensss... :) Do-able times a million forever and ever amen. 

Three ways to say "yes": two definite do-ables and one questionable do-able.  I can deal with dat.  I hope God agrees?

Here's to taking these next 40 days by the horns [the 40 days that will "officially" start after my last bite of this apple pie] and to hoping that this season will help transform us to face the Easter cross! 

...More Lenten thoughts to come when I am once again wide-eyed and bushy-tailed, because that coffee buzz be totes gone now. 

Happy Lent-ing!  :) 

- Bachelor -

Sum-It-Up Sunday

Raise your hand if you think this is the WORST season in Bachelor/Bachelorette history...

And shame shame SHAME on you if you don't have both of your hands high in the air, because Juan Pablo is a disgusting pig and lots of other things that I can't even bring myself to post in public space. *gag* 

Even my Dad loves some Bachelor drama but...nope, not this season. Even naps are higher on the priority list than JP...

Four girls left and only three roses to hand out... Brian says if you do not receive a rose tonight at our Bachelor watch party, you must leave immediately! ;) [Seriously, this picture is such a joke... These are leftover decorations from Valentine's Day so do not even think for one tiny second that I went to the effort to decorate for Juan Pablo!!!!]

Now, can someone please explain why/how this is the worst season EVER, yet I cannot bring myself to turn my head? Must.keep.watching. I'm a sucker from drama. But let's be real...who isn't?! ;) 

Other week highlights: 

-- TWO episodes of this terribly trashy reality TV this week and we spent the second night  watching with Camp Patton! No pictures to prove it but you can believe it based on my good merit. Love those kiddos and can't wait to go back and play!

-- Happy birthday, broski Blake! [Sorry to tarnish your reputation by mentioning you in the same post as JP. I know how much you hate The Bachelor show in general!]

- Presidents Day -

Sum-It-Up Sunday

I love a little snuggle sesh on the couch, but let's get real: ONLY having a couch sucks when a) we have guests over and have to sit in a row like ducklings and turn our heads 180 degrees like owls every other second to keep a normal conversation flowing, and b) when we're trying so hard to watch a good movie but the back person's neck cramps from stacking up the plethora of pillows required to see over the front person's head. And it sucks for lots of other reasons, too, but those are the main two complaints. [Did you follow that? May need to re-read...] 

But thankfully George Washington had a birthday and luckily we Americanos still celebrate that day [which btw is always on a Monday and I never quite understood that but - no real sour grapes here]. Even more wonderfulness ensues when you add to the equation that Brian always has that "holiday" off work AND the furniture stores alwayssss have blowout sales! Some president... 

A hop, skip, and a jump and off we go galavanting around all the furniture stores in a 60-mile radius. ...After a stop at the coffee shop, because we all know I hate shopping but we all also know I'm an agreeable little minion after a small cup of joe with one cream and two sugars.

[PS - ^^ No, thank you for your concern, but I do not suffer from acromegaly; just a bad angle from an amateur photographer named Brian Dean Fleming.]

We shopped at lots of stores and sat in lots of...well, not sure what all these furniture pieces would exactly be classified as...before returning to the first store to buy the first chair we ever sat in. Funny how that works, isn't it?!

Made it home JUST in time to set up the chair and kick it back for a dramatic episode from the worst season EVER of The Bachelor! And I burnt the garlic bread because I forgot for a few minutes that life existed outside of trashy television... Judge me real good. 

Brian looks mighty comfy over there... I think I just lost my couch snuggle buddy forever! 

In recapping the most important piece of info: Presidents Day is out the window until 2015, but Mondays from 7-9p will remain being the best two hours of my entire week! Because, obvi. Is it next Monday yet? #needmoredramanownownow

Other week highlights: 

-- Nothing super noteworthy? ...Besides an oil change at Dobbs. Yipee! 

- Fiona: 2 Days New! -

Sum-It-Up Sunday

Tonight = snuggle date with two of our pretty nieces!! Welcome Baby Fiona! Two days new and perfect as can be. :) 

Other week highlights: 

-- Happy birthday, Grandma!  

-- Happy birthday, Aunt Mindi! 

-- Happy birthday, Uncle Kevin!

-- HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY! :) 

- Emasculation Station -

Sum-It-Up Sunday

We love some hideous episodes of The Bachelor and we love some non-hideous friends, so put those together and........ Bachelor watch party?  Dramadramadrama. Gimme more. The girls owned the couch and the guys owned the kitchen because: emasculation station. [But secretly they love it too and are totes Juan Pablo wannabes.] Work it, baby! 

Next watch party = us invading the Camp. Super stoked! :) 

Other week highlights: 

-- Happy Superbowl Sunday?  Brian's chattering constantly about this Superbowl-ness and I'm like, "Oh, there's a football game today?" ...Go Rams!  #huthuthike  Let's do this thang! 

-- Husband's on a GUYS ONLY snowboarding trip in Colorado so... While the cat's away the mouse must play?  ;) 

- Arizona: Through Padre's Specs -

Finally steal-borrowed these pics from the rentsies' camera card... Claps for another perspective of Arizona from a much more artistic and peculiar photographer!

Arizona: Part I

Thanks for the pics, Padre! ;) 

- TGI Fridays -

Sum-It-Up Sunday

Catching up with my main ladies! Not at all a fan of half of us working nights and a fourth of us getting new jobs and the other fourth now working days. Not a fan at all. But I won't complain about a few pre-/post-work drinks and appetizers at TGI Fridays' happy hour! ;) 

Love you crazies!!! 

Other week highlights: 

-- The Bachelor x 2. Helloooo, drama. :)

-- Happy 4th birthday, little Mel!