- Add a caring, loving woman + a tiny bit of psychosis and what do you get?... -

...a MOM.

I never thought I'd be a psycho mom.......

...

...

...but I totally am.

No no, actually, I've totally definitely officially been completely ridiculous/obsessive/psychotic since I first decided I WANTED to be a mom:

But for the sake of dignity and my husband's preserved masculinity, we'll leave out all those FUN! so fun fun fun details.  

Anyway, after gestating then expelling a child from my uterus, my overall level of [previously tolerable] absurdity has become exponentially worse.

Oh ---

FYI  FYI  FYI:  If you don't have kids yet, you should probablyyyy bypass this post.  It's most definitely gonna .freak.you.out., and I don't want the responsibility of informing you how embarrassing you will become when you start to procreate.....

Ok.

Onward.

When Harper was a new new "new"born, my only hideous mom-habit was standing over her Pack 'n Play and staring at her with my iPhone flashlight in the middle of the night.  [You know, because a) I had to make sure she was still breathing, and b) I had to make sure she was still......there.  Not like she could roll out of her little bassinet or anything, but she spent 39 weeks + 3 days inside mah belly and it was a little learning curve for me to thrive and survive her sans umbilical cord!] That "sleep when the baby sleeps" was such great advice during the day, but I was too worried at night that 3am would be the perfect hour for my kid to whip out the SIDS card.  Dear darling Baby Fleming[s] #2 and beyond: I have come to realize this is a FIRST-time mom problem! You will [most likely] not be treated to that type of luxurious nighttime mom-perching!  Hindsight is 20/20, and sleep is a good, good thing...

As the days of motherhood rolled on, I started pumping and freezing a lot of milk.  All was good and well in that realm until oh em geeee --- SOME SPILLED.  Since then, I have been .s.u.p.e.r...c.a.r.e.f.u.l. when transferring the liquid gold.  And so has Brian, mostly... But currently, he owes me 63 minutes of backrubs for wasting 13 oz over the past two weeks [!!!] to which I may or may not've overreacted just a little too much... [How did that large number come about? 13 wasted oz x 5 minutes of massage per oz = 65 minutes.....and he's offered a measly 2 minute backrub since all of this occurred so! 63 manattes to go.]   Call me crazy, I don't even care.  Pumping while I'm away from my baby is hard, treacherous work that I hate so so much!  BUT:

Oh, and while we're on the topic of MILK... It is actually kind of comical that Brian and I [two full-grown add-ultz with large appetites!] share one refrigerator and freezer upstairs while Harper [4-month old, also with large appetite!] has her very own deep freeze in the basement filled to the brim.  *Insert belly-laughing emoticon here.*  Of course, we can't entertain the thought of starving our little piggy. One night when we were [of course!] out of town for the evening, a gianttttt storm rolled through... 

Bridget 

April 9 ·

Power flicked on and off a few times earlier this morning, and I heard half of Glen Carbon is still out... Let me just take a hot second to say that Mother Nature will be meeting the wrath of Harper's mother if the storm decides to cut out power again tonight while we're gone and spoil 100+ oz of milk that we have frozen!!! Nothing like crying over spilled milk!!!

 — feeling nervous.

...to which my very own MOTHER replied, "Oh stop. It's not like you can't make more."  Apparently the tedious task of nursing/pumping for two children has escaped her memory.  [You will rest easily knowing that the power did not go out that night, and we came home to a fully intact + still frozen milk supply!]

Soooo, who wants to hear about milk all day long? 

No one. 

I get it.  

Really, I do. 

On to another embarrassing mom-ism: I force Harper to take naps with me when I'm tired [seriously loving the non-mobile stage of child rearing!], and on the RARE occasion that I wake up before she does.......

My iPhone is packed with an embarrassing amount of Harper + Momma selfies, but if my phone got stolen, the robber would ALSO be not-thrilled to find a stash of actively-breastfeeding-baby pics.  I have no idea why, but half most of the times when Harper nurses I just can't refrain myself from taking a pic.  ...Because omgggg she's sooooo cute, and I can't forget this moment even though she'll be in the exact same outfit in the exact same position doing the exact same activity again in exactly 2.5 hours. #momprobs #embarrassing #seriouslywtf

While we sit in the recliner and spend HOURS a day nursing [if I'm not taking baby-on-boob pics and sending them to............no one?...]:

[Add to the list: "Does it make you mentally unstable if you take a pic of your child every time she nurses?" "How do you become the "fun parent?" "Do stretch marks heal slash go away before you get pregnant again?" "Is it normal to need to cut baby fingernails twice a week but toenails twice a month?" "What are the chances of my kid getting Rickets if I don't ritualistically force a Vit D3 drop down her throat?" "Advantages and disadvantages of sending a toddler to daycare?" "Advantages and disadvantages of sending a school-aged child to private/Catholic school?" "Advantages and disadvantages of piano playing or some sort of musical instrument playing for children?" ....and so on for hours on end, as I'm so sure you can just imagine...]

Alright, I'm not even gonna beat myself up over this one, because I know this is basically normal... 

[Reality, be my resume.]

And this is normal, too...???

Oh, then there's this: I used to "babysit" a newborn when I still lived in St. Louis.  I think her parents had a lot of moolah or something, because they hired me to come to their house for a few hours each morning and hold her [of course, she usually slept in my arms the entire time!] while her momma took a nap and shower.  What what?!? Yes, it's true.  #dreamjob!  And every day, I would walk out with a nice stash of cash for my hard-earned labor.  Shall we reiterate the hashtag?  Yes. #dreamjob!!!  One of the funniest things I remember about that adventure, though, was this one morning when the momma had her first success using that blue booger bulb.  She squirted a giant nasty green boog out on a Kleenex, and I could tell she was SO PROUD of herself.  And THEN.....she did the unspeakable...the unbelievable... She took a freakin' picture of that disgusting booger and text it to her husband!!!!!!  I didn't know if I should be shocked or disgusted or amused or wtffff just happened......... So I judged her a little bit on the inside and then went about my job of snuggling a sleeping baby like nbd.

Now, here I am: four years later, and I'm basically obsessed with picking Harper's nose and making sure there isn't one little flake of a crusty left that could possibly obstruct her breathing holes.  And if I ever get a big juicy one, of courseeeee I'm hella proud.

...And not only did I take that booger pic and text it to my husband... I wiped that booger on my knee THEN took that booger pic, text it to my husband, EDITED it on an iPhone app, e-mailed it to myself, AND am posting it on my blog. Holy sh*t.  I'm repulsive.

Oh dear Lawd, I'm totally coming to grips with how crazy I am...

This post is getting soooo out of control.  

But! 

Banana bread beer with a brown sugar + cinnamon mix on the rim is my fran.

So!

One more thing...

[The thing that inspired this post!]

Last week, Harper slept in her BIG GIRL BED for the first time!! She has been sleeping through the night [10pm to 6am!] since she was 11 weeks old. <--- Hate me all you want, I know we are so lucky. Anyway, now that she's 18 weeks, we decided it was time to kick her out of the Pack 'n Play and get our master bedroom back in order... On the first night, Brian just dumped her in the crib and went to bed himself like noooo biggie, and Harper just laid in her new crib and fell asleep like noooo biggie.  I stood over the crib for at LEAST 10 minutes and watched her sleep [regressing back to new new "new"born problems!!!] and then shed some tears and THEN turned on the baby monitor in my bedroom and watched her from my bed for at least 10 more minutes.

"Whatchu starin' at, Mom? I'm gonna be in this position til 7am, so you might as well get some shut eye, too!"

*tear tear tear*

How is my munchkin so big?  And how is she so much tougher than me already?!  So proud!!!

I know I just outlined a legit case that concludes how obviously nuts I am, BUT...I think [and tell me if I'm thinking wrong?!] that motherhood is like a little club. And once you're "in" the club, you just understand all the unwritten rules and regulations that come along with! Right?

Basically, it goes something like this: 

...Come on, give me a little vote of confidence...  I know I'm not the ONLY psycho out there?!?

- SOME of Second Tri [...but nothing too exciting...] -

Where did I leave off on the pregnancy diaries PARTE UNO?

Yes yes yesssss...at 20 weeks in that very blissful moment when the miracles occurred:  I realized I was 12 lbs lighter and the the continual cyclical puking had FINALLY stopped!

[But I forgot a fewwww minor things did happen before 20w.]

So: pregnancy diaries part 2a.

Literally zero zip zilch pictures were snapped and archived between 8w and 14w.  But this one day midway through week 14, I woke up and felt decent... And showered... And got dressed... And even put some makeup and jewelry on... And then we went to church [big accomplishment because I skipped a lot of weeks as to avoid climbing over people to sprint to the bathroom mid-Mass.  #prisonerofthepew... Forgive me Father.]... And THEN we met up with my parents for dinner.  Holy hell.  Back from the dead [and it was totally a fluke day in hindsight, but I soaked it up while I had it!].

13w5d -- The first moment I realized I was growing a fetus and not slowly dying from a terminal illness slash life-sucking tumor.

14w4d -- Still debatable whether or not this "bump" was actually a) a blooming bebe or b) a week of constipation or c) a pudge of malnutrition resulting from 14 weeks of soda cracker dieting.  Final decision left to reader's preference. 

Speaking of option b) ^^, I think I'll just go off on a small tangent.

My BFF Katie and I offer these mini-sessions to all our pregnant family and friends called "Labor 101: What no one tells you about the labor and delivery process" because...let's be honest...ignorance is not always bliss if you have no idea that your vagina could potentially rip in half and you'll probably poop all over the delivery table in front of your husband/significant other/one-night-stand turned F.O.B.  Labor isn't as glamourous as it sounds and 'tis the way it goes, but it's just nice to be warned in advance, no? ;) [Side note:  All of my past customers have been thrilled with their increased knowledge base post-session.  Just shout at your girl if you're newly pregs and need a mini-sesh!]

Anyway, I'm a wee bit bitter that not one damn person gave me the lo-down on pregnancy.  "Pregnancy 101."  Where be those instructors and mini-sessions?  I've seen everything that could possibly go on in the labor rooms, but literally had not a clue how crazy the 9-month pre-labor ride would be.  Merry little baby bumps be a sweet little fantasy.

Where was this tangent going again? 

Oh yeah.

Puking is puking and that's kinda self-explanatory, but let's get back to the pooping [AKA - lack thereof].

Thank God for self-checkouts at the store, because constipation is all shits and giggles until it's no shits and no giggles.  Taking these daily doses of fun = the difference between death and life:

[^^ Not pictured: enemas. Yeah, plural.] 

And in case you were wondering [which I know you were!], those infamous colon cocktails that I regularly brag about couldn't even put a drop in the bucket [...pun intended if you're pickin' up what I'm layin' down...].

Jumping off soapbox and back into more socially-acceptable conversation [which I do realize is not nearly as captivating, BUT...for the sake of entertaining audiences of all shapes and sizes.............]...  Let's go, Cards!!!!! [???] Wow, this post is super late considering OPENING DAY is less than 100 days away now!!! Still super sad we didn't make it to the big W.S. this year, but the little punkin' still enjoyed his/her first glimpse of postseason adrenaline.  T-1 week until mama felt movement... Pretty convinced the cheering for the Cardinals got the child all amped up to start movin' and shakin'!

What else, what else, what else?  Oh, our trip to the pumpkin patch [that was already highlighted here]...

Man, even *I* am getting sick of hearing myself blab and that is a rarity.

Enough for now!

Happy fall!  Happy second trimester!  Happy cessation of puking and pooping! 20w diaries and beyond coming soon! Xoxoxoooooo.

- Concocting cocktailz... -

...because Colace ain't mah style...

...and constipation ain't no joke.

TMI? 

No, never ever.

Some very angelic person that can remain anonymous [because I realize most people are more embarrassed to talk about their #2's than I am] introduced me to these "colon cocktails" a couple years ago, and let me just say that life has never been so sa-weeeet.  Colon-changing events should be shouted from the rooftops SO...in case you share my pooping problems...take note.

*****

Colon Cocktails 

Prep/Total Time: 5 minutes

• Applesauce
• Wheat germ [kind of hard to find, I got this at Dierbergs]
• Prune juice 

Mix [whatever portion of] 1:1:1 equal parts together in bowl. [I use 1 cup of each and then freeze in ice cube trays for easy access!] Eat one spoonful per day and be amazed forever and ever.

*****

Disclaimer:  People are ALWAYS asking for this recipe, so there's 95% of the intentionality of this post. Other 5% is to gross you out, obviously.

Brian opened the freezer door and found these that night and says he will never be able to use ice cube trays again. Sorry bout it! Heigh hooooo, welcome to the sweeter side of marriage, friend! ;)