On the way home from school:
Harper: "Mom, why did the chicken cross the road?"
Me: "Hmmmmm, I don't know!"
Harper: "You have to guess!"
Me: "To get to the other side?"
Harper: "No! ...To lay its eggs in its nest!"
Me: .....
Still on the way home from school, while attempting to explain everyone's last names:
Me: "....So if you marry _____, then your last name would be _____. Or if you marry _____, then your last name would be _____."
Harper: "But MOMMM, I can't marry ANY of those boys in my class!"
Me: "Why not?!"
Harper: "Because! They are all my age!"
Me: "Oh... Well what's wrong with that? You planning on marrying an older boy?!"
Harper: "Yes. Of course! So then they'll be really tall and can reach high things for me."
Me: .....

As a falcon was flying by:
"WHOA!!! MOM! I just saw a huge bald eagle fly by the side of the house!"
While getting ready for bed:
"Mom, can you wake me up tomorrow really early before you leave for work so I can get all ready and surprise Daddy? Because he'll be busy taking care of all the other children in the morning."
While overhearing a conversation Brian and I were having in the kitchen about someone who died:
Scarlett: "Hawpa, what does 'passed away' mean?"
Harper: "Like...past? Like in the olden days and stuff? OH, passed away. Well, actually...'passed away' is another word for DIED, because that person they're talking about went up to Heaven and died."
Scarlett: "Oh."
While Brian was wiring up 20 remote boxes for his fireworks show:
"When will Daddy ever take a break on the 4th of July just to watch the fireworks?"
At Scarlett's birthday as she was unboxing a shiny new [knock-off] American Girl doll:
"I want an American Girl doll like Scarlett because every time I play now I just feel like I always have to take care of littler baby dolls."
As Juliette was screaming her head off while we were getting gas:
"Juliette! You just need to wait a little bit more patiently, ok? Because we need to get gas, or else we'll have to get a tow truck to take us home!"

A few months after the Winter Olympics finished:
Harper: "Are you going to be in the Olympics when you grow up, Scarlett?"
Scarlett: "Yeah. Are you?"
Harper: "Yeah. What are you gonna do?"
Scarlett: "I'm gonna do 'dat ting [thing] where they go around 'da cones. And tap dance!"
Harper: "Oh! That's nice! I'm gonna do gymnastics! I think it will be nice to win a medal for the United States."
Scarlett: "Yeah. Pob-ee [probably] so."
While unknowingly walking into the bathroom where an unnamed family member was going #2:
Harper: *shout yelling* "POO! IT SMELLS LIKE POOP IN HERE!"
After spending the afternoon at her friend's house:
Harper: "Mom, what's my trouble name?"
Me: "Your what?"
Harper: "Like the name you're supposed to use for me when I get in trouble!"

Randomly:
"Mom, has your period ever bleeded?"
On the way home from school:
Harper: "It was so hot at school today that my legs turned red! .....And you're probably about to start getting sunburns!"
Me: "Oh, yeah? Why?"
Harper: "Because! You're always trying to get a suntan and instead you get a sunburn!"
Me: .....

After passing a homeless woman and her three kids at a stoplight in town:
"Why would she stand there and ask us for food when she could just ask a farmer for one of his tomatoes or something?"
One evening as we were watching a Disney movie:
Harper: "Ok, Juliette, let me tell you a story. Once there was two parents who loved to look at their phones and sleep a lot."
Brian: "That sounds like your parents!"
Harper: "Yeah! I'm telling her a story about you two nut jobs!"
Brian, me: .....