- SOME of Second Tri [...but nothing too exciting...] -

Where did I leave off on the pregnancy diaries PARTE UNO?

Yes yes yesssss...at 20 weeks in that very blissful moment when the miracles occurred:  I realized I was 12 lbs lighter and the the continual cyclical puking had FINALLY stopped!

[But I forgot a fewwww minor things did happen before 20w.]

So: pregnancy diaries part 2a.

Literally zero zip zilch pictures were snapped and archived between 8w and 14w.  But this one day midway through week 14, I woke up and felt decent... And showered... And got dressed... And even put some makeup and jewelry on... And then we went to church [big accomplishment because I skipped a lot of weeks as to avoid climbing over people to sprint to the bathroom mid-Mass.  #prisonerofthepew... Forgive me Father.]... And THEN we met up with my parents for dinner.  Holy hell.  Back from the dead [and it was totally a fluke day in hindsight, but I soaked it up while I had it!].

13w5d -- The first moment I realized I was growing a fetus and not slowly dying from a terminal illness slash life-sucking tumor.

14w4d -- Still debatable whether or not this "bump" was actually a) a blooming bebe or b) a week of constipation or c) a pudge of malnutrition resulting from 14 weeks of soda cracker dieting.  Final decision left to reader's preference. 

Speaking of option b) ^^, I think I'll just go off on a small tangent.

My BFF Katie and I offer these mini-sessions to all our pregnant family and friends called "Labor 101: What no one tells you about the labor and delivery process" because...let's be honest...ignorance is not always bliss if you have no idea that your vagina could potentially rip in half and you'll probably poop all over the delivery table in front of your husband/significant other/one-night-stand turned F.O.B.  Labor isn't as glamourous as it sounds and 'tis the way it goes, but it's just nice to be warned in advance, no? ;) [Side note:  All of my past customers have been thrilled with their increased knowledge base post-session.  Just shout at your girl if you're newly pregs and need a mini-sesh!]

Anyway, I'm a wee bit bitter that not one damn person gave me the lo-down on pregnancy.  "Pregnancy 101."  Where be those instructors and mini-sessions?  I've seen everything that could possibly go on in the labor rooms, but literally had not a clue how crazy the 9-month pre-labor ride would be.  Merry little baby bumps be a sweet little fantasy.

Where was this tangent going again? 

Oh yeah.

Puking is puking and that's kinda self-explanatory, but let's get back to the pooping [AKA - lack thereof].

Thank God for self-checkouts at the store, because constipation is all shits and giggles until it's no shits and no giggles.  Taking these daily doses of fun = the difference between death and life:

[^^ Not pictured: enemas. Yeah, plural.] 

And in case you were wondering [which I know you were!], those infamous colon cocktails that I regularly brag about couldn't even put a drop in the bucket [...pun intended if you're pickin' up what I'm layin' down...].

Jumping off soapbox and back into more socially-acceptable conversation [which I do realize is not nearly as captivating, BUT...for the sake of entertaining audiences of all shapes and sizes.............]...  Let's go, Cards!!!!! [???] Wow, this post is super late considering OPENING DAY is less than 100 days away now!!! Still super sad we didn't make it to the big W.S. this year, but the little punkin' still enjoyed his/her first glimpse of postseason adrenaline.  T-1 week until mama felt movement... Pretty convinced the cheering for the Cardinals got the child all amped up to start movin' and shakin'!

What else, what else, what else?  Oh, our trip to the pumpkin patch [that was already highlighted here]...

Man, even *I* am getting sick of hearing myself blab and that is a rarity.

Enough for now!

Happy fall!  Happy second trimester!  Happy cessation of puking and pooping! 20w diaries and beyond coming soon! Xoxoxoooooo.